Finding my “Why”

As a public content creator where I'm the subject of my own videos, lots of people get to see what goes on in my life. They see me, the day in the lifes, the successes, and some of my downfalls as well. And as much as I feel as if I show my authentic self all the time, there's always been extra layers to me that I haven't expressed.

But in this blog, I'm going to delve deeper than I've ever done before. I'm going to attempt to articulate what goes through my mind on a daily basis, and try to find my "Why". I'm going to answer questions like: Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I have the ability to persevere through tough challenges? And why don't I ever give up in the pursuit of my goals?

To answer these questions, I'll first describe the motivations in my life. Most of them revolve around people, but what most people don't know, is that not all of the people I'm talking about here are the ones closest to me. From my days at my very academically competitive high school, I've been doubted by my piers, by random onlookers, and even teachers. And although my motivations have shifted, a big reason why I've gotten myself to this point had been because I wanted to prove those people wrong. I wanted to prove to them that yeah, I'm pretty good at basketball, but I am also very innovative, have great problem solving skills, and can probably build and understand any feasible system with enough time.

As I grew as a person and experienced a bit more of the real world, I began to understand the privileges I had growing up. I had a great supportive family. I went to a high school that wanted to push their students to reach for lofty academic goals. I never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from. And I never had to make sure to pick up a job to financially support my family. Many, many people cannot say the same. So now, I don't do the things I do just for me anymore. I have this platform that has the ability to uplift people, and although I barely have time to relax, I know how important my videos have been to some people out there. And that's enough for me to keep telling my story. I push hard everyday to become the most successful I possibly can, so that hopefully some of you look in the mirror and feel as if you can do anything too. I genuinely want to have the biggest impact on as many people's lives as possible.When I first started this YouTube channel, it was because I realized that maybe I could help more than just the people around me.

And speaking of the people around me, I am 100% certain that I wouldn't be where I am today without my loved ones — so the rest of my intrinsic motivations revolve around me attempting to provide them the fraction of the positive impact that they've had on my life.

I'll start with family.

Success to me is being able to give my parents the experiences that they could've only dreamed of. Recently, some of these things have started to come into fruition. This last month, I was able to take my dad and brother to a Lakers playoffs game, where my dad not only experienced his first ever NBA playoff game, but also was in earshot of the players that played for a team that he has been a diehard fan of for his entire life. My dad is on the older side, so it's also been an extra push for me to have him experience these kinds of things while he still has the energy and capabilities to do so. All of my stressful days, long nights, and also working most weekends for the past decade have been a lot, and have admittedly already started taking a toll on my young mind and body. But seeing the smile on my dad and brother's faces as they got to live their dreams makes me feel as if I'd go through the challenges over and over again. As for my mom, she's put everything into our family to make sure we never had to worry about where we'll get our next meal from or if we were outgrowing our shoes. They both revolved their lives around Jason and me, and now I'm going to absolutely make sure that for the rest of their lives, they can just sit back and live.

Next up, the boys.

You probably remember them from my past videos, and you probably even recognize some from the pictures behind me, but calling these dudes my rock would be a massive understatement. For the past 4-5 years of my life, they've helped instill a level of confidence in myself that I never had. They challenge me to be the best person I possibly can, they humble me when I'm about to go too far, and they keep me grounded whenever I felt as if my world was falling apart. Throughout MIT, I weirdly looked forward to doing problem sets with them. Even if we would procrastinate and push off problems until late in the night, we gave each other the space to unwind, unload any stories that have been on our mind, and in general just provided a completely safe space to be 100% ourselves. And looking back, that's an incredible statement that I'm proud to be able to say. To this day, we keep in constant contact with one another. You'll even be seeing most of them in an upcoming livestream that I'll be hosting on this channel. But yeah, they have no idea how much of a positive impact that they've had on my life, and I know I'll find ways to show them my gratitude in the future.

Now I'll finally address the person on my thumbnail, the person who I have the honor of waking up next to everyday, and the person that has been by my side every step of the way through the most challenging part of my life. That person is Michelle. Some people are lucky enough to find a partner who is a like a best friend to them. Some people are lucky enough to find a partner who they're insanely attracted to. And others are lucky enough to have someone who loves them back unconditionally. I find myself in the even rarer state where Michelle fits all of the above, plus more. Throughout the past almost year and a half, she has kept me from ever getting too low, even when it seemed like my mind and body were failing me right before my eyes. She provides me a second family that I also call my own, and she provides the love and support that I need to continue to pursue my lofty goals. Just like for my family and the boys, Michelle will never truly understand how much she means to me, and I want her to be able to live the life of her dreams with as little compromises as possible. That's why my lofty goals include allowing her the space and freedom to pursue whatever it is she wants to pursue, while putting things in place to eventually bring our families physically closer so that we can both have that extra bit of unconditional love and support as often as we'd want.

Answering my "why", isn't all positives though. The bad times really do a number on people, and usually have a way of changing someone's perspective on things. As some of you know, this past March, I was diagnosed with multiple kidney diseases. Having been someone who has always worked out consistently and generally taken care of my physical well-being, it was a surreal experience having my health deteriorate right before my eyes. At one point, I wasn't even able to take a shower on my own, and that's an experience that I don't wish on anybody in their early twenties. Since then, working out feels less like running a marathon as it did a month ago, so that's good. But still, people don't see the nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, and spontaneous cramping that come along with all of the medication that I'm taking. All they see is how big my face has gotten, which is the most visually obvious side effect. And no matter how confident I am, and no matter how genuine my intentions are, comments like these still do a good job of bringing me down, especially when all of these things that have happened to me were out of my control. A positive that has come out of this situation has been that now I don't take any day for granted. It's kind of dark to think about, but now I know that no matter how well I treat my body or how risk averse I am to any physical harm, any day can be my last — and that's just a fact.

So everyday, I make sure that I'm doing what I love to do — in work, at home, and with others. When I am able, I say yes to trips to see my loved ones or to go into the office for a week to see my teams. When presented any sort of new and challenging opportunity, I also make sure to say yes before any self-doubts arise. Inherently, I love solving new challenges, so always agreeing to new challenges, has allowed me to always feel fulfilled at any specific moment. If you always present yourself with new and interesting challenges, you will constantly have something to work towards that lets you feel better about yourself. So yeah, during my senior year of MIT, I agreed to move straight down to Alabama to help start Deuce Drone, even if I'd had zero experience with startups and haven't even ever been to Alabama. And yeah, I chose to take a pause on my graduate studies at Stanford to pursue opportunities at a second startup that's main tech is ML and AI, even if I've had little Machine Learning or AI experience in the past. And yes, I moved across the country to be able to see my partner everyday, even if I hate moving. With everything I do now, I make sure that it will have a net positive impact on my life in that moment. Because if you live for the future, you'll never truly in the present.

So I've answered the questions: "Why do I do the things that I do?" and "Why do I have the ability to persevere through tough challenges?", but now I'm going to try to answer another question I think is really important for rounding out my "why": "Why don't I ever give up in the pursuit of my goals?" And for this question, I need to talk about risk, and my relationship with risk. Honestly, my risk tolerance meter may be broken. I've done things like only seriously apply to Stanford for grad school, even if that was statistically the hardest university to get into. I've also done things like use all of my money to buy equipment to shoot YouTube videos when I have always been too shy to even speak in front of small crowds of loved ones. I've had this mindset where I'll do whatever I can to put myself in the best position possible, which means I may spend every last dollar or use every minute of my free time up, but time and time again, I have bet myself and come out the other side having learned so much. I say yes to new and challenging opportunities, no matter how daunting, then through the process, I learn how to better myself in order to succeed in that specific role. So if someone would ask me why I continue to accomplish the things I set my mind to, I would say that I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable — which I think is my superpower. I rarely find challenges that are too big to overcome, and because I have all of this intrinsic motivation to run through barriers, I not only welcome challenges, but also pursue them. I believe every goal has some road to get there, however difficult or unlikely it may be. Yes, some people have specific coincidences or circumstances that pop up to help them achieve those things, but the vast majority of the time, there’s some realistic path to that goal.

I usually have a good understanding of taking those goals and walking backwards from the goal to today. This helps me chart realistic paths to get me to where I want to go, and gives me actionable items that I can do today to get me another step closer.

I think I've found my why. And now I encourage you to find yours.