How I stay positive through tough times

Hi everyone, KJ here, and as some of you know, I've been dealing with a couple of kidney diseases and lots of medication over the last 7 or so months. It's something that's felt like it has lasted forever. I haven't been able to eat anything with added salt, play basketball, or even work as much as I used to. I went from a very active lifestyle of either running, lifting, or playing basketball pretty much everyday, to having joint pain that makes it hard for me to walk for prolonged periods of time at certain points. I went from continually documenting my life on Instagram and YouTube to dreading the idea of my audience seeing my body in this state. I know, that even at 23, others have it worse than me out there, but I also understand that the situation that I'm in does suck. I was honestly initially reluctant to make this blog because this has been such a dark cloud over my head for most of this year, but hearing the support from others, and receiving messages from people saying that they related to my experience makes a blog like this worthwhile to make. We can all use a bit more positivity in our lives, and if you know how to frame even the worst of times into positive situations, than you're going to be much more equipped to make the most out of your life in general. In this blog, I'm going to update you all about what has happened to me health wise, then I'm going to share how I stayed positive through it all, and lastly, I'll quickly touch on my current status and health updates moving forward.

Back in March, 2 days after I moved from Palo Alto to Philly, I went to the emergency room because both of my feet were swelling. Two weeks of hospitalizations, a kidney biopsy, and every test under the sun later, I was diagnosed with IGA Nephropathy and Minimal Change Disease, which led to me gaining 70 pounds of water weight in a matter of weeks — along with things like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. To this day I've been waning off of the 80 mg/day prednisone that I was prescribed upon leaving the hospital the second time, and I've since been recovering while dealing with the side effects of the prednisone and all of the other pills I have to take on a daily. This is where some of my restrictions come in. I can't play basketball because my bones are morse susceptible to being fractured because of the bone density I've lost. I can't eat more than 2000 mg of salt a day in order to prevent even more water retention, and I can't be in too stressful of situations because I cannot spike my already high blood pressure. Along with the restrictions, I get daily side effects like nausea, upset stomach, mood swings, and joint pains. These definitely hinder my day-to-day, but they definitely haven't affected me as negatively as the increase in water retention.

As the prednisone kicked in a couple weeks after being discharged from the hospital, I began to notice that my face and abdomen area began to get larger again. I've read about the moon-face side-effect, and knew that since I was taking such high dosages, that I was surely to experience it. The longer I was on prednisone, the larger my whole body looked, and the more self conscious I felt. The now 50 pounds of added water weight has made things like going up the stairs an endeavor, and has given a lot of people online the ammo to fire at me in any videos that I did end up showing my face in. The comments seem to all come at such perfect times to kick me down. Just as I would feel okay enough to post on YouTube, people would be there waiting to drag me down it felt like. I'd be lying if I said that these comments don't still really take a hit to my self-esteem. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, or if I said that I didn’t Google my symptoms every time I felt terrible to just make sure I wasn’t dying. I'd be lying if I said that I still wasn’t sometime repulsed by what I see in the mirror everyday. But I’d also be lying if I said that I am not grateful for the life that I have because I most definitely am.

Now that I've given you all the backdrop to what has been going, I want to share how I'm staying positive and looking forward to what the future holds. Before I got sick, I was someone who would work for most of the waking-hours of the day. During my breaks, I would watch lectures, and before I slept every night, I would continue to think about what else I could be doing to be even more efficient. But I was definitely living a lifestyle that was not sustainable, and I definitely burnt out. Obviously, now I cannot stress myself out that much, but I have made a concerning effort to shift the way I thought about my life. I restructured the way I thought about things, and since I've gotten sick here in Philly, I've flown back to LA to see my family, some of my best friends came to visit me here in Philly, and Michelle and I have also hosted some of the members of her family here on multiple occasions. I have put a high value on my time with my loved ones in the past, but now, I understand that I need those interactions to keep pushing. I've always believed in the sacrifice now, and reap the benefits later mentality, but I now understand that there's a limit to that sacrifice within different people. I felt like I could work infinitely long hours, but that just isn't the case. And I'm learning now that I must take moments to enjoy each given day. I know it sounds dark, but I know now more than ever that any day could be my last. And I want to make sure that at any given point in time, I am satisfied with how I've lived my life up to that day. On top of spending quality time with my loved ones, this means doing everything I can to get back to my normal as quickly as possible, without adding additional pressure on myself to defy my body's timeline. I continue to workout on a regular basis, and I continue to stick to my strict salt restrictions. My restrictions are so heavy that it is almost always a better option to cook for myself. And luckily, I have someone like Michelle with me who embarks on my saltless journey with me.

Something that has helped me continue to stay positive is reducing the pressure that I put on myself with everything that I do. Before I got sick, I would work multiple jobs, complete my coursework, start side projects, and manage this YouTube channel all by myself. I would take everything on myself because I thought I could simply do it all. I was impatient to be successful. Since then, I expanded my YouTube team to include editors and graphics design personnel. I became a lot more honest with my colleagues when I have those days where I just feel terrible. I don't impose any strict schedules on myself, and allow myself to set realistic goals and go at my own pace. Once my doctors helped me realize that I had no control over the weight loss while I am on prednisone, I stopped putting pressure on myself to lose weight as well. Especially bc I know I will be able to do it fairly quickly when I do get better.

I developed a new frame of mind around what I believed to be success. I used to think success meant being the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company or retiring in my twenties. And although those are still goals of mine, I don't view those as the things that will make me successful. I now truly believe that success comes when you feel as if you're content with where you are in life. When you get to enjoy every day to its fullest without worrying about that next thing, that's when you've reached success in my head. And honestly, I feel as if I've already become successful in my eyes. This doesn't mean that I won't continue to pursue loftier goals, but it does mean that I don't need to achieve anything else for me to feel content in everything that I've done so far. I'm at the point where I am going with the flow with life. Wherever life takes me, I just view it as more life to live. Right now I am working on really awesome startups while I continue to share my journey with the world, and I simply could not ask for more. This new frame of mind that I've developed while recovering has helped me see the positives out pretty much every situation. I have now become almost grateful for becoming ill because my sickness opened my eyes to the things that are truly valuable in my life. I realized a lot of the things that I'm expressing in this blog. And best of all, I learned to cut myself some slack because I cannot do it all.

I also became more content with my situation when I realized that my physical appearance is just that: my physical appearance. My loved ones still love me, my colleagues still respect me, and I'm still on this Earth living life to its fullest. I know that there are young people out there who have it even worse than me, and I've grown to be very grateful for my life. I haven't lost any of my senses or any of my limbs or muscle functionality. I still have my brain, my voice, and my platform to share my journey. So I really just can't ask for anything more. Yes, I am still going to hate the way I look in the mirror, but that doesn't mean that I am not loved, appreciated, and can continue to do huge things in this world. I'm still me, and the extra fluid is just extra fluid. This dissociation with my fluid, or what I call my 50 pound water vest, has allowed me to accept it as just another temporary hurdle that I must overcome.

I do have days where I'm simply feeling terrible. There are days where it's hard to get out of bed in the morning because of all of the pain I'm feeling. But those days don't define who I am as a person, and they won't have me be any less grateful for future days on this Earth. Everyone has their challenges, and understanding that will give you a better perspective on the people around you. No matter how confident I have become, it still feels terrible being called fat while I'm struggling to wear a shirt that definitely fit earlier this year. No matter how positive I can flip a situation, I still dislike how fragile and sickly I've become. Just as I cut myself some slack in terms of the workload I put on myself, I have also learned to cut myself some slack in terms of how positive I am. I now let myself have a bit of negative thoughts because I know that only makes me human. But I know that I can quickly pick myself back up everyday when I need to.

Moving forward, my body should be shrinking back to normal within the next couple of months. I started on 80 mg of prednisone a day, and am now down to just 5 mg of it every other day. And if my blood work tests come back good, then starting this Friday, I will finally be able to stop taking the 10-15 pills I have had to take every day. Soon I should be able to get most of my strength back, and since I'm young, my bones and skin should be able to recover somewhat. This was a really tough journey, and I have never had to fight so hard to feel okay on any given day. But I won't let this situation define my outlook on life. I will continue to stay strong when I can, and I will continue to understand that it's okay to falter sometimes when I'm not.